


Living is Easy with My Eyes Closed

by TheUKAmazingDan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 1970s, 1970s AU, AU, Angst, Crossdressing, Daddy Kink, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Fluff, Gay Sex, Grinding, High School, High School AU, Homophobic Slurs, Hurt!Dan, LGBT, M/M, Marijuana, Nude Photos, Phan - Freeform, Pining, Rich!Dan, Rich!Phil, Smut, Stalking, The Unholy Trinity - Freeform, age gap, cheerleader!dan, class rings, dad!Phil, phanfic, photographer!dan, polaroids, technically gay sex was only legal if you were 21 so imma mark this as underage, transphobic slurs, vintage, weirdly accepting town
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2018-11-12 10:03:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11159613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUKAmazingDan/pseuds/TheUKAmazingDan
Summary: September 19, 1976Dan Howell liked pretty things and a pretty guy, but not the one who was interested in him. No, Dan was infatuated with someone he couldn't have.based off of the Colors music video by Halsey.





	1. September 19, 1976

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first chaptered fanfic! Wow! I hope you guys enjoy this journey!

Sunday

I stood, watching from the second story balcony of the country club. The light breeze blew my white tennis dress up slightly around my milky thighs. I smoothed down the pleated skirt with one hand, and reached into my duffel bag with the other. I pulled out my Polaroid camera from the front pocket, then set the bag back down by my feet. I popped open the view-finder, then looked through it, down to the green, luscious courts below.

I held the camera steady, then snapped a perfect picture. I smiled as the camera whirred and the film came out of the slot. As the film slid out, I reached my hand out in front of the camera, waiting, expecting the picture to spit itself directly into my palm. I pulled the film firmly from the camera, then waved it around gently. I watched as the color started to appear around the edges of the photograph, then set it down on the thick white railing of the balcony.

"Daniel?" A sweet voice called.

"Yes, Mother?" I replied, picking the film up from the railing as the wind picked up once more.

The click of my mother's high heels echoed across the wooden balcony as she approached me. I picked up my head and sucked in a breath as I saw how close she actually was. I tucked my camera into my bag again, then turned the slowly developing photograph toward myself. "What are you doing?" She giggled, getting even closer, crossing her arms over her chest and smiling through her red-coated lips. Her white teeth shined in the afternoon light. She was so pretty, like a goddess, and I was proud to look quite a lot like her.

"Just -" I began, looking down, but she cut me off with a chuckle.

"Were you taking photographs of Tyler again?" She asked, flipping her dark brown hair over her shoulder.

A deep, pink blush dusted over my cheeks. "No." I answered, turning away from her slightly. I was telling the truth. I wasn't taking pictures of the attractive boy with slicked back hair playing tennis on the country club court.

"Of course you weren't!" She giggled, reaching up a hand and pulling her tortoiseshell sunglasses slowly down her nose with one finger. She leaned in, close enough that I was able to feel the heat radiating from her soft tan skin, and whispered, "Don't worry, love. It can be our secret." She winked, then shuffled back, adjusting her white cardigan pulled over her designer dress. It was the same shade as mine, but had teardrop holes settling tastefully over her cleavage, which was something I didn't really posses, and had no pleats or pattern what-so ever. It was a bit form fitting, but she could make a dress made from palm fronds look classy if she was wearing it. She carried herself like a queen, though she was no such thing, and demanded respect while being a bit coy if I did say so myself.

"Which court are we on?" I asked suddenly, shifting the focus from me to the numbers written on a small card my mother carried. "It's almost five." I stated, looking down at my watch.

She looked down, pushing her sunglasses back into place. "Court number four, I believe!" She answered, forgetting about my camera for the time being. "Which," she smirked, "Is right across from Tyler and his father!"

"Very good." I smiled back, sighing as she turned back around. I dared to take a glance at the photograph, smiling dreamily at the image captured within. I was telling the truth. I was not taking pictures of a cute boy. No, that was wrong, incredibly wrong indeed.

"Well, are you coming?" She laughed, noticing I wasn't following as she walked off towards the staircase that led down to the tennis courts.

"I'm coming!" I called back, admiring the photograph for a moment before tucking it into the pocket of my duffel. My white sneakers barely squeaked as I hurried after her, duffel bag clanking against my hip and dress fluttering in the breeze. As I followed after my mother, who slowly descended the spiral stairs, I thought of the piercing pair of eyes captured within my photo.

We stepped off of the stairs, then strolled together down the cement walkway toward the tennis courts. I pulled a tennis ball from my bag and began bouncing it as I walked. We approached a table situated on the dividing line between courts three and four, and Mother pulled out her seat and sat down. I simply placed my bag onto the table, then removed my racket. My mother never played tennis with me, instead leaving me to play against my coach.

My coach, a black man named Harry, waved to us as I approached the court, which both myself and my mother returned. "Hello, Harry!" I greeted as I walked onto the court.

"Daniel! This is new!" He greeted me, skipping over to my side of the court. "You look nice." He said, smiling as he complimented my dress.

"Thanks! When I told Mom I wanted to wear a dress today, she was so happy!" I giggled, twirling the racket in my fingers. "Honestly, I thought she would have been angry, but she just let me borrow one from her closet." I admitted, leaning in a bit to keep the conversation more private. "This is the first time I've worn a dress since I came out."

"Angry? Daniel, your mother could never be mad at you for that!" He chuckled, giving me a firm pat on the back and shaking his head. "But, we can talk as we play, alright?" He wagered, running under the net and situating himself on his side of the court.

"Alright." I agreed, gripping the green ball in my hand.

"Do you know what she said to me after we met the first time?" He asked, his mouth turned up in a grin.

"What?" I asked, throwing the ball into the air. "Service!" I called, hitting the tennis ball over the net.

"She said," he hit the ball back over gracefully, "that it didn't matter who I was or what I identified with-" I backhanded the ball over the net, "Because that didn't matter. All she cares about was that-" the ball ricocheted back into my court, "I knew how to play tennis."

"Yeah, but you're my tennis instructor." I sighed, lightly hitting the ball in hopes of only hitting it over the net slightly. "I'm her son."

Our session soon came to a close, and I ran over to the net to give Harry a quick hug before exiting the court and making my way back to the table where my mother sat. She hadn't moved the entire time since we had gotten here, but sometime between now and when I had began my session, she had acquired a cup of coffee.

I sat down beside her, smoothing out my skirt and putting my equipment back into the bag before pulling out my camera. I adjusted my white visor, then looked back over to my mother. She stared longingly over at Tyler and his father in court number three. I bit my lip, and glanced over myself, staring at the father and son, hitting the ball back and forth so effortlessly. Both were dressed in white pants, but instead of just wearing a polo shirt like his son, Mr. Lester had added a cream colored sweater.

"You should take a picture," Mom suggested, "It'll last longer." I could hear the smirk in her voice as she spoke.

"Fine. Maybe I will." I replied indignantly, picking up my Polaroid and opening the view-finder once again. I focused, then snapped the shot, letting out a loud noise as the picture was taken. The film slowly pushed instead out, and I waved it around as it began the tediously long journey of processing. She let out a laugh, making me smile. "There you go." I chuckled back, a smile on my lips.

"Don't look now, but Tyler is looking over here." She squealed suddenly, but then let out a gasp as well. "Daniel, they're coming over!"

"Seriously?" I panicked, readjusting my dress and tucking away the developing picture underneath the camera. I looked down, but I could hear the light pounding of two sets of feet as the father and son jogged over to our table.

"Hello!" Tyler greeted as he and his father came to a stop beside us.

"Good afternoon, Boys!" My mom smiled, the sun reflecting off of her shiny red lips as she greeted the father and son.

"Daniel!" The older acknowledged me casually, making me look away as a blush spread over my face. "How are you doing, Marsha?" Tyler's dad asked with a grin, stepping beside his son. He wasn't that old, only in his late thirties, which was about the same age as my mom. He was a little taller than his son, and was sporting a bit of stubble. My mom was head-over-heels for him.

"As well as I can be." She answered, taking a sip of her coffee. "Would you like to have a seat?" She asked politely.

"I suppose a few minutes wouldn't hurt." He smiled, pulling out a seat beside my mom. "Sit down beside Daniel, Tyler." He directed, sitting down and scooting up to the table.

Tyler sat down beside me, a devilish smirk plastered on his face as he stared into my eyes. I looked away with a blush, fiddling with the hem of my skirt absentmindedly. "How are you?" He asked quietly so only I could hear.

"Adequate." I answered honestly, looking back up to meet his brown eyes.

He chuckled, running a hand back through his black hair. "You don't hear that as a response very often."

"I'm not a person who likes to be usual." I responded, lightly laughing.

"My Pa says that it's good thing to be unusual, because being normal will eventually lead to sadness." He remarked, sitting up a bit in his chair. "He also likes David Bowie, so I guess he is pretty unusual himself. You two would probably get along really well."

"Do you mean that? Truly?" I questioned, taking in a sharp breath.

"Of course!" He replied, leaning in closely to me. "Would I ever tell you a lie, Ziggy Stardust?" 

I simply giggled, deciding to ignore the last comment, for a reason that made me a bit uncomfortable. He may not ever lie to me, but constantly lying to him had my gut doing somersaults. There was just something about it that made me want to curl up into a ball and die.

"- wouldn't that be lovely, Daniel?" My mother finished her sentence.

I looked back up, eyes large. "I'm sorry, but could you repeat that, please?"

"Of course, Dear." She smiled, bringing her hand up to rest on my shoulder. "I was just trying to persuade this stubborn man and his son to come to our house for dinner next week!"

"Oh," I smiled, my face lighting up, "That would be incredibly wonderful!"

"I'd love to." Tyler beamed, looking to his father. "Can we, Pa?" He asked hopefully.

"I - I don't know..." Tyler's father stuttered, rubbing at the back of his neck subconsciously.

"Please?" My mom begged, folding her hands and bringing them up to her mouth. "We would love for you to join us!"

"Okay." He agreed finally, a smile slowly spreading across his face.

"Thank you." She squealed, pulling a pen from her white clutch purse. "Here's our address!" She said, hurriedly scribbling it down on our reservation card. "We look forward to seeing you..." She blushed, handing the card to him and picking her things back up.

"As do we!" He replied, standing and motioning for Tyler to do the same.

"Good-bye, Daniel." Tyler called, walking after his father who had wandered off toward the fancy locker rooms.

"I'll see you in school." I said back, standing as well and picking my bag up from the table. I reached down and plucked up my camera. I slipped the photograph into the front pocket of my duffel, then trailed along to catch up with my mother.

"We'll need to go shopping this week." My mother stated as I caught up to her at the bottom of the staircase.

"Why?" I asked, following behind her.

"We're going to get you some new dresses of course!" She exclaimed, shaking her head at me like I was dense. "I assume you'll be wanting to look fabulous for Tyler when he and his father come over."

"Mom!" I spluttered, walking beside her as she stepped onto the balcony.

"What?" She laughed, swinging her arms. "I've always wanted to take you on a proper shopping trip! We're hitting every upscale boutique from here to the city limits!"


	2. September 20, 1976

Monday

The bell rang and I ran out of the classroom. "Excuse me!" I called, pushing a girl who was kissing her boyfriend into the wall as I jogged by. Screams to watch where I was going echoed after me as I sprinted down the halls and out into lobby of the school. They had just posted the sign-up sheets for cheerleading, and I was determined to have my name up on the list. There were only a few spots open this year, and with it being my last year in high school, I desperately wanted to be on the squad.

A group of freshmen girls stood around the trophy case where the sheets were always posted. Three of them chattered excitedly, while two others were waiting behind a sophomore who was signing her name onto the white sheet. "Senior privilege!" I cried, pushing my way through the girls and stealing the pen from the one's hand. Several high pitched cries were heard as I signed my name on a slot, then turned away, running once more, but this time, I was headed for the parking lot.

I was winded, but I flung open the door to my car, threw in my backpack, and started my favorite part of the day. I took out a solid black photo album from my open backpack, and shook it, letting the pictures fall out. Then, I sat, staring at my Polaroids in the driver's seat of my grandmother's 1965 station-wagon. It looked like a pile of crap compared to my mom's baby blue Buick, but it got me from place to place, and it felt homey and warm. It was my first car, and to my mother's amazement, and mine quite frankly, I hadn't had a single accident since I was gifted it two years ago. Photographs were splayed across the passenger's seat and I held two in my hands against the steering wheel, admiring film that couldn't compare to real life.

"Dan!" Someone called from across the parking lot.

I looked up in surprise, only to find Tyler jogging to my car. I panicked, throwing my photos onto the passengers side and putting my bag over them. "H-Hey!" I stuttered as he approached.

"I heard you got a bit aggressive while signing up for cheerleading." He teased, hitting the top of my car with his arm covered in his letterman jacket. He leaned down, his head popping in my open window, a grin on his face. "We football players need a little aggression. It gets us pumped." He commented, staring into my eyes.

"I'm glad I get a chance to offer that to the squad." I laughed breathlessly, just wanting him to leave.

"Great...so, I'll see you later. I'm actually really excited for Sunday." He admitted, laughing while backing away from my window. "Bye." He smiled, running back across the parking lot to his football buddies.

I sighed, putting a protective hand on my backpack. That was way too close.


	3. September 21, 1976

Tuesday

I finished off my flip with jazz hands, making a few of the girls in the bleachers laugh. We were inside the gym, trying out for the cheer squad. The basketball hoops were lowered, and sunlight poured in through high windows close to the ceiling of the gym.

"Alright Howell, here's the deal," the coach presented, hands steepled. "We only have female uniforms. Are you okay with wearing one?" The intimidating cheer coach named Miss Robert demanded, leaning back in her chair and quirking her eyebrow. Apparently the woman hadn't anticipated that I would make it this far into the try-outs without dropping out.

"Of course, Miss!" I replied, clapping my hands at the thought. I wanted to wear the pretty blue and white uniform of the prep school that I attended.

"Okay." She stated, looking down at the clipboard in her hands. "You've made the team."

"Thank you so much!" I cheered, running up to her. A collective groan could be heard from the bleachers, but I just smiled. Nothing could bring me down.

She held out a single key. "Your cheer locker is number thirteen inside of my office. There's a uniform inside. Go try it on, then come back into the gym, and we can see how well you do in a skirt."

I ran to her office on the other side of the gym, carefully weaving my way through the throngs of sports teams huddled into groups. They were already picked, and were going over game plans for the first games of the season. As I passed the group of football players, Tyler caught my eye.

He motioned me over with a simple gesture. "Did you make the team?" He asked when I had gotten within earshot.

"Yep!" I squealed, jumping a few inches into the air.

"That's great!" He smiled, ignoring the daggers his teammates and coach were glaring into his back. "I knew you could do it."

"Thanks, Tyler." I blushed, scurrying off to Miss Robert's office. I opened the heavy door, then scanned one of the locker covered walls for locker thirteen. Once I found it, I unlocked it with the key, and opened it to see what it held.

There were two shelves, both empty, but it the center of the locker hung my cheerleading uniform on a single hook. It was beautiful. I closed the door of the office, then stripped down to my panties. I took the uniform off of the hook, and smiled when I saw it had a built in body liner under the skirt. I changed into it, breathing a sigh of relief when it fit. The skirt was shorter than the rest of the girls since I was about almost 5' 10", and the rest of the girls were around 5' 5", but all around it fit quite nicely.

I exited the office, clothes safely tucked into the gym locker, and made my way back to where the try-outs were being held. I jogged over to Miss Robert, who smiled and told me I looked lovely. I did a few flips and things in the skirt before sitting down in the bleachers beside a few giggling girls. After a few more girls auditioned, Miss Robert called it a night, and told us who had been accepted to wear our uniforms home so we had a spare, albeit dirty, pair of back-up clothes to wear.

The others hurdled off of the bleachers, eager to go home, except for two other seniors, girls, who moved down a few benched to sit closer to me. "You're the first boy to ever get onto the team." One commented, flipping her extremely long hair back. She had a pair of golden hoops in her ears and her nails were painted a hot pink.

"Yeah, that's a real accomplishment, dude!" Reiterated the second, who's skin was fairly lighter with brown hair tied up into a messy bun.

Both girls wore uniforms, but neither had tried out. They must have been on the squad last year, or else they wouldn't have had any access to the expensive scraps of material.

"Dan." I stated, holding out my hand. "You two are?"

Nail and earring girl firmly grasped my hand with her own. "Lilly Singh, but you may call me superwoman if you wish."

I shook her hand, then turned to the other girl. She seemed bubbly, and enthusiastically stuck out her hand to shake mine. "I'm pleased to make your acquaintance. My name is Zoe."

"Hey Daniel!" A deep voice called. I looked up just in time to see Tyler hop up onto the bleachers beside us as the rest of the football team quickly disbanded. "Lilly, Zoe." He greeted the girls. "I'm really excited about Sunday." He repeated, then jumped back off of the bleachers. "I'll see you later, Daniel!"

"Sunday? What are you guys doing Sunday?" Zoe questioned, leaning toward me. "Are you guys a thing? Lilly, I bet you thirty dollars Dan wants them to be a thing!" The girl chattered.

"Looks like you just lost thirty bucks." I stated calmly, standing up and making my way off of the bleachers.

I made my way all the way to the doors of the gym before I could hear Lilly yell, "See you tomorrow!"

Oh what fun.


	4. September 22, 1976

Wednesday

I couldn't pay attention.

His eyes were on my back and I knew it. 'The Sex Pistols' was scribbled on my notebook inside of a heart, and I filled the rest of the margins on my paper with meaningless doodles. The notes from the projector were too fuzzy to read, so I gave up trying to take them and settled with fidgeting in my seat and nibbling on my pen between drawings.

I tapped my feet quietly, then chanced a look at the clock. With a whispered curse I deemed that we still had a good fifteen minutes until class was over, and if next period was anything but lunch, I probably wouldn't have been able to deal with it. I would have packed up my shit and went home.

"Psst!" Someone hissed behind me. Assuming it wasn't meant for me, I stayed facing the front, giving the other person no reaction. "Daniel!" They whispered.

That got my attention. I only turned my head, but I was met with Tyler sending me a signature smirk from behind me. "Yes?" I whispered, a blush spreading over my cheeks. "What do you want?"

"I'm just...really excited, and I also wanted to give you something." He mumbled, turning his head down and rubbing the back of his neck. He handed me a small felt box that looked like it had come from the jewelers. "Don't open it until lunch, though."

"Thanks, I am too." I muttered. I blushed harder, taking the gift from his hands then turning back around.

"Tyler and Mr. Howell? Is there a problem?" Our teacher's nasally voice questioned from the front of the room. With being so old, I was surprised he was still able to hear us. Given his age, I was surprised he was still teaching, actually.

"Nope! No problem!" Tyler answered back quickly, flashing him a smile.

"Then I suggest that the both of you pay attention." He grumbled, turning back to the board where he stood reading things from the projector.

I sat through the rest of the class in anticipation, but the distraction of having something to look forward to definitely made the time go faster. I jumped when the bell rang, not noticing I had spaced out. I gathered my things quickly, then ran into the hallway, the black box in hand.

I ran down the hall to the usually empty art block. I looked around to see if anyone was watching me, then cautiously opened the little black box. I reached inside, and my eyes went wide at what it contained. I pulled out a large, chunky silver ring. A green gem was held in the center of it and the words 'nos vero pugnabimus' were etched into the sides. A small 'H' was engraved in the gem, directly above the number 1956. A small piece of notebook paper was tucked inside of the lid of the box, so I carefully pried it out with a fingernail. I unfolded the paper, then began to read the note that was sloppily written in cursive with a blue ink pen.

_'Dear Daniel,_

_This ring once belonged to a girl whom my father used to love. They were supposed to be together forever, but she left him for another man in '59 after I was born. Yes, she was my mother, but neither of us have feelings for her any longer. I was searching for a present to give you when I came across it, and my father even suggested that I give it to you. Her name was Hannah, but I thought you could still wear it for your last name. If you'd like to give it back, I understand, but I'd love for you to keep it. Also, since I'm too much of a coward to ask in real life, I was wondering if you would be my boyfriend? We'd need to keep it a secret, but we could still do things outside of school! I've pinned over you since eighth grade, and if you would want to have a relationship with me, please call me later tomorrow around 9, as my father and I will be playing tennis at the country club. You understand why I won't be able to talk to you too much at school, right? I hope to hear from you!_

_With much affection,_

_Tyler'_

My eyes widened as I read the letter, and tears threatened to spill over. No! This was not how it was supposed to go! But, the ring was something expensive, plus his father had even made the suggestion. 

After a few moments of thought, I plucked the ring from its place in the sea of black velvet, then carefully twisted it onto my finger. Perfect. It fit perfectly. I gasped at the cool feeling of the metal, and began to examine it. I took into account how it looked on my finger and decided it looked quite nice. Maybe wearing it wouldn't be so bad after all.

The day passed quickly after the ring, and after a few more classes and a grueling cheer practice, I soon found myself sweaty and exhausted in the front seat of my car. There were only a few other cars in the parking lot, so I decided it would be alright to just sit in my car for a few minutes. I leaned back in my seat, then pulled the black box from my bag. I was about to admire the ring once more, but threw down the box and sat back up when I heard the all-too familiar voice of Lilly calling to me.

"Daniel!"

I closed my eyes and sighed. I really did not want to talk to her. I forced myself to smile, then stuck my head out of the window. "Hey!" I said with fake enthusiasm.

She hurried over to me and pulled a piece of paper out of her bag. "Dan, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about Zoe." She apologized.

Oh. I wasn't expecting that.

"I know she can get a little over-excited sometimes, but I love her, and I'm sorry about her chatting your ear off...and I'm sorry about pestering you about Tyler." She looked guilty, staring anywhere except for me.

"It's okay." I said, surprising myself.

Her eyes lit up. "Thank you for accepting my apology...I would have felt awful if you hadn't." She smiled, tilting her head up and looking back at me. "Oh, um, here!" She muttered, handing me the paper she had taken from her bag. "Zoe and I go up to the bathroom on the third floor during lunch...I would like to give her an opportunity to apologize herself." She handed the paper to me. "This is just an, uh, reminder to come up sometime this week."

"Thanks." I said coolly, taking the paper from her hand and setting it on my dash. "I have to go, but I'll see you tomorrow." I promised, starting up the car and making her jump.

"Of course!" She smiled, backing away from the car. "See you!"


	5. September 23, 1976

Thursday

I took the car out of gear and pulled out of my space. Today's cheer practice had been tiring, but it was nothing too bad. As I drove around to the exit of the school, I pulled the black box from the center console. I pried the note from inside and unfolded it, rereading every word to make sure I had the times correct. Tennis at the country club until 9. This was my chance.

I exited the school parking lot and pulled out onto the road before reaching for the car phone installed next to the radio. I picked it up and waited to speak to the operator.

"Hello! What can I do for you today?" I chirpy voice asked as the call went through.

"Hello," I started cheerfully, "could you please put me through to the residence of Marsha Howell?"

"Of course!" The voice responded. "One moment."

The telephone began to ring again, and after a few moments, my mother picked up the phone. "Hello!"

"Hey, Mom!" I greeted.

"Daniel?" She asked, puzzled to why I was calling.

"Hello, I just wanted to ask if I could go to my friend Lilly's house for a few hours? Mrs. Pattinson gave out an assignment on the quadratic formula and Lilly from cheerleading offered to help me." I questioned, trying my best to sound needy.

"Of course, Dear!" She replied instantly, probably relieved about my sudden interest in going around to another person's home.

"I'll be home by nine at the latest!" I promised into the phone.

"Don't worry about curfew! I love you!" She chuckled, then hung up.

"Love you too." I muttered to myself as I hung up the phone.

I glanced at my watch instead of the built in clock in the car since it was more accurate, and deemed it was a little too early to head over to the country club. I checked the glove box, and sighed as I realized I didn't have any electrical tape, then made a quick stop at a little hardware store to buy it. It was only 6:40, so I had another hour at least until they would be done, so I decided to drive on over to a little fish and chips restaurant that was only a few blocks away from the main country club where I could eat dinner and keep an eye on the clock.

I parked my car in the little parking lot and walked up to the building and pulled open the door. I stepped in and was immediately greeted by the smell of frying oil. It was nice. If my mom found out I was eating anything this saturated in grease, she would have had ten fits at least.

I approached the counter and ordered a basket from the overly-friendly cashier who called me sweetheart. She quickly got to work on my order, and it was ready in less time than I was expecting. I paid and took my food to a small booth overlooking the country club's golf course.

After over an hour of munching my food, I finally decided to leave the small restaurant, instead favoring the worn down upholstery of my car. I glanced at my watch and saw the time was nearing eight, so I decided to head down to the parking lot behind the tennis courts before the two men would go off to take a shower. Once I had arrived, I reached into the backseat and pulled out a large black jacket I kept incase I got cold. I unzipped my backpack and pulled out my camera, then placed the bag back down on the floor. I took the little black roll of tape from the small brown paper bag it had come in, then held it in my mouth.

I opened my door and stepped out of the car, camera tucked inside of the large pocket in the front of my sweatshirt. I slammed the door shut and took the tape from my mouth and put it in my pocket, then took a look around, assessing my surroundings. There were trees encompassing the entire club, and I could hear faint laughter and conversation floating over the white picket fence surrounding the tennis courts. I approached the fence, and peeked my head over it ever so slightly, trying to get a good look at who was still playing. A few couples were spread out over the various courts, and two people were packing up their things. I squinted, and determined with a grin that it was Tyler and his father.

I sprinted towards the country club's bath house, determined to get there before them. I whirled across the green grass, scrambling to get to the building. Once I arrived, I ran my fingers over the cool brick, and tried to steady my breathing. I opened the door and was greeted with a puff of steam coming from the showers. I hurried inside, and chose a pristine spot to hide out. I set up in the second to last shower stall, to the back left of the changing area. It had an 'out of order' sign hanging over it, and was slightly hidden by a small black wall that acted as a divider, but I could see out perfectly. Steam from various showers poured out into the room, and the noise of water splashing onto the tile would mask the whirring noise of my camera. I pulled the shower curtain over the shower entrance, then poked my head out of the other side. Luckily, everyone showered towards the front, not wanting to come to the back.

I could hear the sound of the door to the building open and slam shut. I took in a deep breath as I watched the two peel off their shirts and lay them down on a bench in the back of the room near me. Two or three other men were in the room, but all of them were in the very front, and they hurried to leave as soon as possible.

I brought my camera and the tape from my pocket. I tore a small piece off and placed it over the flash. Without worrying about being too quiet in the noisy room, I took off the bulky black jacket I been wearing, leaving me in my athletic shorts that went to my mid-thigh and my short sleeve gym shirt. I heard a hearty laugh, then decided it was time to snap some photos.

I cautiously peeked out from behind the shower curtain. Both of them were in my line of vision, and I set up my camera. After a few good shots, I licked my lips, deeming all of the photos taken respectable, and waited silently for more excellent opportunities to snap a few good shots.

I watched them both strip to their boxers from behind the curtain, my breath hitching as I saw the expanse of pale skin that was always hidden underneath a shirt. I gripped my camera tightly, willing myself not to drop it as my arms turned to noodles. I turned the viewfinder on my target, and snapped a few more photos before deciding it was time to stop taking pictures and leave the premises. I pulled the jacket back on and collected my items, including the slowly developing film, then put them back inside of the pocket. I shielded my face by pulling the jacket's hood over my eyes, and opened the shower curtain quietly. Without as much as a sound, I exited the building, my face down and my steps quiet.

I hurried back to my car, but along the way I noticed the changing colours of the sky. I paused, pulling the camera from my pocket and taking a quick snapshot before continuing on. Once I reached my car, I pulled off the hood and flopped down into the drivers seat. I spread the half-blank pictures out on the seat beside, then set the rest of my things down on the floor. I checked my watch, then decided it would be best to leave altogether and head home.

As I pulled out of the club's private drive, I grabbed the car phone from its place. It rang a few times before the operator picked up, and I quickly redirected my call to Tyler's house.

"Hello?" A kind voice asked, worn down, but pleasant with time. I assumed it was their maid.

"Hello, my name is Daniel Howell. Is Tyler available?" I asked, knowing full-well that he was still at the country club.

"I'm afraid he's out at the moment, but I could take a message." The woman said sweetly.

"That would be wonderful! Could you please tell him that I need some time to think about his, umm, proposition?" I asked, thinking over my words as I considered what he actually wanted.

"Of course, Dear. Have a nice night!" She said before hanging up the phone.

I hung my phone back on the hook. I couldn't believe Tyler actually wanted me to be his boyfriend, even though it would be secret. But in all honesty, being kept a secret in that situation wasn't something I wanted.


	6. September 24, 1976

Friday

I climbed the stairs to the third floor cautiously. There were rumors about all kinds of bad things that happened here. As I got to the landing, I looked around, surprised at the crowd who had joined this overt club above the school. I searched around for the restrooms, and soon enough, I was standing before a dingy sign that read 'Women's' in big bold print. I gathered my courage, then left a simple knock on the dirty grey door.

A few seconds later, the door creaked open, and Zoe jumped out. "Dan!" She squealed, taking me into a hug. "I just wanted to say how sorry I am! I had no right to dig around in your business!" She apologized, pulling away from me. As she let go, I began to smell something floating out of the restroom.

"What the hell is that?" I asked, sniffing the air.

"It's just a little cannabis!" She giggled, pulling me into the bathroom with her.

"You brought marijuana with you to school?" I cried, stepping away from her after she let go of me.

"It's not mine!" She assured. "One of the football players got it from his uncle!"

"Dan!" Lilly squealed. "You made it!"

"Yeah, and you brought weed!" I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest and stomping a foot.

"Just a little weed..." She trailed off, holding one arm behind her back.

"Are you seriously smoking a freaking joint?" I questioned, unbelieving.

She moved her hand back into view. "Maybe..." A joint was tucked between her second and third finger, smoke still curling from the end.

"Lilly!" I yelled. "How could you ever possibly think that this was a good idea?"

"What? You need to loosen up, Daniel." She chastised, taking a drag.

"No. I'm not a freaking hippie."

"Come on!" She persuaded. "I know you want to!" She held the joint out to me.

I looked at the joint, then back up at Lilly's eyes. It couldn't be that bad. Could it? I hesitantly took it from her, my hand shaking, and brought it up to my mouth. I inhaled, then immediately started to cough.

I bent over, hacking. I held the joint back out to Lilly, who carefully grabbed it before it could drop onto the floor. "No thanks." I wheezed.

"First time?" She asked, taking in another drag before passing the joint to Zoe.

"Yeah." I answered, finally getting my breath back.

"I was just like you my first time." She replied, jumping up to sit on the counter of the sink. "Except I think I was getting it on with John Pepperknick in his attic."

"Oh my God! John Pepperknick?" I gasped in disbelief. "He graduated two years ago!"

"I know..." She sighed, taking the joint back from Zoe. "I was 15 and I was on my period, so I wanted to do it all the time -"

"Geez Louise, Lilly!" I laughed, cutting her off. I wasn't really interested in the details of having period sex.

"Do you want to try again?" She asked, holding the joint out to me.

"I don't know..."

"Daniel." She said firmly, shoving it into my hand after tapping away some of the ash into one of the grimy sinks. "Just inhale for a few seconds, then let it out." She instructed, then leaned back against the large mirror above the sinks.

I hesitantly put the joint to my lips, taking in a breath of smoke for a few seconds. I resisted the urge to cough, then slowly let the smoke out through my mouth.

"You did it!" Zoe giggled, clapping her hands together slowly.

Another joint and twenty minutes later, I was feeling a little giggly myself. I laughed and leaned back against the wall beside the sink. "Isn't class in like, five minutes?" I asked, not really caring.

"Yeah." Lilly replied, before letting out a gasp as Zoe ripped the freshly rolled joint out from between her fingers. "Hey!" She protested as the other girl took a drag.

"You were hogging it!" Zoe shrugged, putting it up to her lips and turning away from Lilly as she tried the take it back.

"I don't want to go to class." I stated, watching two girls bicker.

"Stay with us then." Zoe mumbled, finally relenting and giving the joint back to Lilly. "We skip all the time."

My eyes went wide at their suggestion. "I can't." I protested, albeit lacking any conviction whatsoever. "My mom will skin me."

"It's fine! She'll never know." Lilly assured me, puffing out a few smoke rings. "Unless you skip all the time to spy on cute guys or whatever. If you do that consistently enough, I'm pretty sure they'll call your parents then."

"This is my first time." I admitted, taking the joint from Lilly and slipping it in between my lips. "I don't spend too much time at school looking at cute boys."

"Then where do you look for cute boys?" Lilly asked, pouting as I handed the joint to Zoe before her.

"The country club, the supermarket, football games, even at the town pool." I admitted. "I only look for one cute boy though."

"Who is he?" Zoe grilled, forgetting her earlier promise of not getting in my business.

"You must promise not to tell." I said sternly, pulling my bag from the dirty ground and pulling out the Polaroids.

"Cross my heart!" Lilly swore.

"I do too!" Zoe promised, nodding solemnly.

"Okay..." I relented, fanning out the pictures in my hands, then flipping them around for the girls to see. The bell rang, but we all ignored it.

"Wait..." Zoe began, her eyes bugging, "Isn't that Tyler's dad?"

I nodded, biting my lip and looking away. "Yeah..."

"How'd you get such great pictures? He didn't know you were taking these, did he?" Lilly asked, leaning closer to examine the photos.

"No." I said truthfully. "I have more at home too, but you can look at these if you want." I handed Lilly a few photos from what I had in my hand, putting my favorites back into my bag. Zoe leaned in to Lilly, wanting to see them herself.

"This goes beyond obsession..." Lilly whispered. Zoe nodded in agreement, then proceeded to roll another joint.

I took the lighter from the counter and took the freshly rolled joint from Zoe before setting it alight. "I've realized." I sighed, bringing it up to my lips.


	7. September 25, 1976

Saturday

"This dress is beautiful!" My mother cooed from behind me in the small changing cubicle.

"I don't know..." I trailed off, lightly skimming my fingers over the sky blue taffeta material. "It doesn't feel right." I murmured, pulling at the gapping hole that was created by the material in the chest that was supposed to fit over cleavage.

"We can get that tailored!" She argued, admiring the dress.

"Really?" I asked in disbelief.

"Sure! It wouldn't take much! I know a woman who could probably take the chest in. It would only take her an hour!" She exclaimed, coming up beside me and putting her arm around my shoulders. "You really do look like me, don't you?" She asked quietly, staring at our reflection.

"That's what people say." I muttered back. But not as alike as I'd like.

"Come on." She sniffed after a pause, moving behind me. "Let's get you out of this, then we'll go visit my friend." She unzipped the back and helped me step out of the flowing dress.

I changed back into my regular clothes quickly, then exited the small room, my mom in tow. We payed for the dress, then walked back to her car. We drove around town to her "friend's" house. Finally, we came across a small brick house with a sign that advertised tailoring and dry cleaning. We parked outside, then entered the building, dress in hand.

"Welcome to A Stitch in Time, I'll be with you in a moment." A voice stated from behind a large desk beside the door as soon as we entered.

"Well, that's no way to greet the woman partially responsible for your existence, now is it?" My mom snorted, crossing her arms over her chest and smiling at the desk.

"Aunt Marsha?" The voice exclaimed, a blonde head appearing from behind the desk.

"Hello, Jenny!" My mom greeted her, moving closer to the desk. "How's Sheila?"

"Mom's good! How've you been?" The girl, Jenny, asked, leaning over to give her a hug. I stood back, letting them exchange pleasantries and holding my dress off the floor.

"Anyway, this is your cousin, Dan." She introduced me.

I gave a small little wave and mumbled out a 'hello.'

"So, what do you need done? I hardly think that this is just a visit." Jenny asked, coming around the desk to reveal a short red dress cloaking her petite frame.

"Well, Dan really likes this dress, but it's too big in the chest." My mom explained, which made me look away in embarrassment.

"Alright, let's get you measured!" Jenny said cheerfully, gently turning me and pushing me towards a curtain in the back of the front room. "Strip down to boxers or whatever, then put on the dress and come back out!" She ordered, then turned to talk to my mom.

I did as she said, even making the effort to fold my clothes, then slipped on the dress. I stepped out from behind the curtain and stepped toward my mom, who gladly zipped up the back.

After being stabbed with needles, strangled with measuring tape, and suffocated with layers of fabric, Jenny finally got enough measurements to be able to take in the chest. I changed back into my regular clothes, and we left the dress with Jenny, promising to come pick it up in a few hours.

"Where do you want to go for a few hours?" My mother asked as we stepped out of he shop and into the parking lot.

"I don't know." I hummed. "Where do you want to go?"

"Well, I need to swing by the cosmetics store to pick up some lipstick, then we could go out for lunch?" She suggested as we reached the car.

"Lovely." I agreed, opening my door and getting into the car.

After a wonderful lunch, a sweep through the aisles of a high-class makeup boutique, and a second trying on of the now well fitting dress, we were back at home.

"Here," My mom began, digging around in her purse, "can you throw this away for me when you get inside?" She asked, holding out a tube of red lipstick.

"What's wrong with it?" I asked, taking the tube gently into my hands.

"Nothing really, but I bought an entire tube of it in a better color." She answered, collecting her things from around the car.

"Okay." I smiled, slipping the lipstick into my pocket.


	8. September 26, 1976

Sunday

"They'll be here soon, Daniel!" My mother called to me from downstairs.

"Alright!" I yelled back down, doing one more twirl in the dress before moving to my mirror. I had practiced the night before, and I grabbed the lipstick from where I had placed it on the stand under the mirror.

I uncapped the tube, and took in a breath before looking into the mirror confidently. I puckered my lips slightly, and applied the lipstick in a few quick strokes. It looked good, and I gave myself a kiss in the mirror before I blotted my lips on a tissue. With one last look in the mirror, I turned and went out of my room.

The doorbell rang, and from my place on the staircase, I watched as my mom opened the door. I made my way down the stairs, clutching the rail due to nervousness, and gave Tyler a small smile as he stepped into our entrance hall.

"Hello, Tyler. Welcome, Philip." My mom blushed.

I scowled a bit, but managed to keep myself together.

"Thank you for having us over, and please, call me Phil." Mr. Lester smiled one of his sunshine smiles, the ones that could light up entire rooms.

"Of course, Phil." She apologized, grinning back.

"Hey, Daniel." Tyler greeted me quietly as my foot hit the final step.

"Hey." I said simply, not meeting his eyes.

"You look...stunning." He complimented me, running a hand through his hair as he lightly looked me over.

"Thanks." I said, shifting my feet and feeling slightly uncomfortable.

"Well, what do you say we head into the dining room?" My mom asked cheerfully, alleviating the tense silence.

"Wonderful idea!" Phil replied, his deep voice echoing slightly.

Tyler and I followed our parents to the dining room, except instead of sitting right down, my mother and I brought out some of the dishes we had made earlier in the day.

The table was set with our best china that mother had recieved when she and my father had gotten married quite some time ago. Though, unlike the plates and cups, my parents love crumbled after only three years, and they got a divorce almost a month before my mother found out that she was pregnant with me. I grew up without really knowing my father, but that was fine with me. From what my mother and grandparents told me, he was a lying dirtbag. But he was also how mother and I lived so well. They had had a prenup, back when they thought that they could never fall out of love, and over two-thirds of his possessions where legally hers. 

He was a rich man with rich parents, used to living in luxury with fancy cars in a nice house with his trophy wife. It was a shock, according to my mother at least, that he followed through with the divorce rather quietly and chose to give up lots of expensive things rather than cause a fuss and draw attention to his failed marriage. He sent me a card with a check for the amount in hundreds that I was turning on my birthday, and always sent mom and I a gift for Christmas, even though he knew we were bloody rolling in money as well. When I was seven, my mom told me that he had taken over my grandfather's business and had even started his own company. And though my mother tried to hide him from me, I had found his picture in a business magazine two years ago, standing beside a pretty blonde woman and two boys who couldn't have been older than five or six. He had moved on, and so had my mother, which was why she had invited the Lesters over for dinner.

Potatoes, a chicken, carrots, corn, and rolls were spread out on the table, making my mouth water. My mother told us to go ahead and start, which prompted Tyler to pick up the potatoes in front of him and place a dollop on his plate. He locked eyes with me and passed them to me from across the table. I blushed and looked away after accepting the bowl and putting a smaller portion on my plate. The pattern continued with the rest of the food until everything had been passed around. 

We ate with casual chatter, conversating between bites and chuckling after sips of water. I found myself staring at Phil as he ate, watching his jaw move up and down as he chewed. Tyler seemed a bit more interested in the food than he was with me, so it was alright. Phil looked over to me, and gestured to his cheek subtly. I grabbed my napkin and hastily wiped the mashed potatoes from the corner of my mouth. Once I placed the napkin back in my lap, I looked back over to Phil who sent me a wink. I blushed, and stared at my lap for the rest of the meal. 

"Daniel?" My mother hummed, pulling me from my thoughts. 

"Yes?" I replied, looking up from my lap. My cheeks were still a bit red from the embarrassing moment earlier. 

"Why don't you go get your camera and take a photo of us? Then we can remember tonight." She suggested in a tone that I knew meant more than just suggestion. It was an order. 

"Of course!" I muttered hurriedly, excusing myself from the table and running upstairs and grabbing my camera from my bedside table. I rushed quickly back down, my skirt twirling with the speed, only to find my mother standing beside Phil, chatting him up. Tyler looked slightly uncomfortable, and I shot him a look of pity.

"Okay, guys! Just," I motioned them closer with my hands, "Get together, alright?" 

Tyler scooted his chair closer to his father, and my mom came around behind them, standing between their chairs. She placed her hand possessively on Phil's shoulder, and leaned in slightly towards the camera.

"Say cheese, I guess." I said quietly, before holding up my camera and taking the perfect shot. I waited for the film to spit out, then, before they could move, held up my camera again. "I'll take two more, one for you, Mr. Lester, and an extra in case one turns out blurry." I explained, repeating my earlier process. 

"Thank you, Dear." My mother smiled, moving away from Phil and taking one of the developing photos from my hands. 

"Mom -" I began but only sighed when it was too late. She had already touched the developing picture, leaving fingerprints on it. 

"What?" She asked indignantly, not realizing her error.

"You can't touch the film while it develops." I sighed.

"Oh..." She said quietly. 

"It's okay though." I tried to assure her. "The other two look like they'll come out fine." 

"See!" Phil smiled, getting up from his chair and putting a comforting hand on my mother's shoulder. "Everything is fine, Marsha! No need to worry."

My insides boiled at his gesture. I hated how infatuated he was with her. Tears prickled at the corners of my eyes, but I blinked them back. I saw that the pictures were mostly developed, so I handed one to Tyler, who still looked a bit uncomfortable. "Here." I said gently, handing the photograph to him. "Be careful with it."

"Don't you want Dad or your mom to take a picture with you in it?" He asked, looking up at me with wide eyes. 

"No." I answered, sighing and taking a step back. "A photographer is cursed to never be in photos."

"Alright, whatever you say." He smiled. He looked back over to our parents, who were still talking, then looked back to me. "Have you given my proposition any more thought?" He questioned, standing and shoving his hands into his pockets. 

"I have." I replied.

"Have you come to a conclusion?"

"Not yet." I answered, turning and setting my camera on the table. 

"Why not?" He asked, getting slightly angry.

I shivered at his harsh tone. "If you're going to act like that, my answer is just going to be no." I muttered, picking up a dish and turning back to face him. 

"I'm sorry." He apologized, running his hand through his hair. 

"Cool." I said back, not caring if he was sorry or not. I was just pissed off at the entire evening, and it was starting to show. 

"Tyler?" Phil called from across the room. "I think it's time we left. You have school tomorrow, and it's already after ten." 

"Of course, Dad." He replied, then turned back to me. "I'll see you later."

"Bye." I said simply. Tomorrow was going to suck.


	9. September 27, 1976

Monday

I checked my hair one last time before exiting the bathroom. School let out in five more minutes, and I was determined to waste as much of that time as possible. I had asked to go to the bathroom ten minutes ago, and when the teacher had let me out, we both knew that I wouldn't be coming back. 

Today was a pants sort of day. I wore a pair of khakis with a bright blue button up tucked into my pants. The outfit didn't exactly scream that I was gay, but everyone at school already knew I was a queer and just kind of ignored it. Unlike a lot of adults, the people at school didn't care too much about my sexuality. To them it just wasn't their problem, and they really didn't need to worry about it, which suited me just fine. Plus, they all knew that my mother had enough money to hire a lawyer who would make sure they paid a heavy penalty. 

The halls were mostly empty, just a few kids were out, hanging around their lockers. I had almost made it to mine when I voice I was trying to avoid called out to me. "Hey, Daniel!" Tyler cried, making his way to me quickly from down the hall. I had been admiring my photos of Phil, and they were just lying on top of my notebook. I desperately tried to tuck them in, but my attempts were futile as Tyler was soon upon me and accidentally knocked my books from my hands. 

"I'm sorry." I breathed, ducking down to try and hide the Polaroids as quickly as I could. 

"Let me help you with -" Tyler squatted down beside me, but suddenly went silent. I hesitantly looked over to him, only to see him staring down at a picture in horror. "Are these of my dad?" He asked quietly, obviously in shock. 

I don't answer him, instead I gathered up all of the other photos and plucked the picture from his hand. 

"You took pictures of my dad? After all this time, I thought you liked me, but no! You just tricked me so you could get close to my dad!" He exclaimed, catching the attention of all of the people in the hallway. 

"Tyler -" I began, but he cut me off. 

"You are a disgusting whore!" He spat, jumping up and turning away from me. The bell rang, and people flooded into the hallway, but Tyler wasn't done just yet. "I hate you. You're a faggot tranny! I'm disgusted that you tricked me into liking you!" He screamed. 

"Tyler, please, you're causing a scene!" I pleaded with him to quiet down. 

"Hey everyone!" He called, getting most of the schools attention. "Dan Howell tricked me into sleeping with him!" Dirty looks were sent my way as a gaps went through the crowd. 

"Hey jerkfuck!" A voice called loud and clear over the commotion to Tyler. It was Zoe, but I couldn't face her. Not like this, even if I knew it wasn't directed at me. 

"I've got to go." I muttered to the people around me and ran down the hallway, trying to find the closest exit. I started out of one of the side doors to our school and speed walked to my car. I got in and slammed my door shut before locking it and setting my books on the seat beside me. We had cheer practice, but the only thought on my mind was to get home.

Tears started to fall, but I only shoved my key into the ignition and started my car up. I took it out of park and hurried out of the parking lot, going at least ten miles over the speed limit. I cried hard, my tears blurring my vision and snot running down my face. I was so happy, and then I messed everything up with one mistake.

The phone in my car rang, making me jump, but I quickly answered it, choking back a sob as I held it to my mouth. "Hello?" I asked quietly, then pulled my car over into a little ditch along the side of the road. 

"Daniel?" My mother questioned lightly, oblivious to my crying.

"Yes, Mom?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"I have some bad news." She began somberly. "Your grandmother is in the hospital again."

"Oh." I replied simply.

"So, I'm already up in Reading, visiting her." She informed me. Lovely. "Daniel, they say she's had a heart attack, and well, she isn't doing very well."

"Oh." I repeated. 

"The maid will be in tomorrow evening like always, and I expect that you can cook for yourself for a few days. There's some money on the table for groceries, and make sure that you buy yourself at least one vegetable." She instructed me, not paying attention to the hollow way that I answered her. 

"Okay. Now that we've got that all set, I love you, and I have to get back to Nana." She finished brightly.

"I love you too." I said softy into the receiver, then hung up.

Now, it wasn't that I didn't care about my grandmother, because I did. I was just very upset by the circumstances of the day, and surly you can imagine that I was quite distressed by my personal situation with Tyler Lester. So, in that moment, I could have cared less about Nana. Even though she was my favorite family member, albeit, there wasn't too much competition, I couldn't really feel much more than pity for myself.

I looked down at the steering wheel, then remembered the heavy weight that sat on my hand. I angrily pulled the ring from my finger and threw it onto the floor mat at my feet. I let out a scream, one fueled by anger and sadness, that made the entire car rattle. I sat there, panting and pissed off as the feeling of screaming wore off. 

I wanted to go home. 

I drove the rest of the way to my house, tears in my eyes and sobs crawling up my throat. I pulled into our driveway, but didn't move aside from taking off my seatbelt and turning off the ignition. I threw my head back against the head rest and shut my eyes in an attempt to block out the world. Maybe if I just sat and concentrated hard enough, the world would go away. 

Instead of my problems melting away, the darkness only left me alone with my thoughts. I opened my eyes again and shook my head. A shiver ran through my body as a new revelation came to me: what if Tyler told his Dad? 

I would die. Just curl up in a ball and die on the front steps. I would never be able to look him or Tyler in the eye again, much less be able to see them together.

I finally decided to move and reached over to grab my things from the seat beside me. I collected my items, then opened my door and hopped out. I made my way up the small walkway to the front door and opened it, then remembered the ring that I had thrown onto the floor. I quickly retrieved it, then dashed back to the open door and slammed it behind me.


	10. September 28, 1976

Tuesday

I had decided that I wasn't going to school.

I didn't skip often, and I figured that Mother would understand. I could just make up some bull story about how I was so distraught that I didn't believe I would be able to handle school. 

I woke up before my alarm went off, so I decided to take out its batteries and sleep in for awhile longer. I snoozed for about three more hours before waking up officially, pulling on a baggy sweater and some short-shorts, and going downstairs to make breakfast. I slung a small plate of toast and scrambled eggs together, then took my breakfast into the living room to eat in front of the television set.

I had barely turned on the television and taken a bite of my toast when the doorbell rang. I figured it would just be the cleaning lady, so I hurriedly sucked the butter from my fingers before wiping them on my bare leg as I ran to get the door. I gripped the knob in my hand and opened the door, letting some of the crisp, almost fall air filter in through the door. "Hey, sorry to keep you-" I began, then looked up only to be silenced by shock. "Mr. Lester?" I whispered. 

"Uhmm...hello, Daniel." He greeted me awkwardly, reaching up to scratch the back of his neck.

"What are you doing here?" I asked in a small voice, sinking back into myself. 

"Tyler and I had an...umm...interesting conversation last night." He admitted uncomfortably.

"Oh." I said simply, looking back down at my feet.

"Yeah. Oh." He repeated, his tone awkward. "Can I come in?"

"S-sure. I guess." I hesitated, then moved away from the door to let him in. 

"Thank you." He said, a small smile gracing his features as he entered into the house. "Maybe we should sit down and have a chat about this." He suggested while he took off his jacket and placed it on the hooks that were hung beside the door. 

"Okay." I whispered, feeling my stomach drop at the word chat. 

"I'm not going to bite off your head, Daniel." He assured me, gently reaching over and patting my back as I led him to the dining room. He sat down in a chair, and I took the one across from him. "Your mother won't be home soon, will she?" He questioned nervously as he sat. 

"No. She's staying with my grandma for a few days." I answered, clutching my hands together and twirling my thumbs in a nervous habit. 

"Oh, good." He sighed out, visibly relaxing before going silent. 

A few moments passed, and he looked to be thinking about what he was trying to say. I decided to put him out of his misery, and popped the first question. "Do you have a romantic interest in my mother?" I asked bluntly. 

"Truthfully, no." He replied, meeting my eyes. 

"Then why did you -" 

"I don't think you're prepared yet for me to answer that question." He stated, his state unwavering. 

"Then what do you want to talk to me about?" I asked, not letting his cool demeanor get to me.  

"I wanted to talk to you about you and I. But you need to answer a few questions of mine first." He replied, awkwardly fidgeting in his seat.

"Okay." I complied, crossing my arms across my chest. 

"How long have you been taking pictures of me?" He questioned seriously. 

"For about a year and a half, I think." I answered. 

"How long have you liked me?"

"Since Tyler's sixth grade pool party." I admitted, remembering the way he had peeled his shirt off his deliciously pale shoulders and stood up straight and tall under the hot sun while supervising us. 

"Jesus Christ." He whispered to himself, running a hand back through his hair. 

"I'm sorry." I apologized, letting my eyes settle on a prominent tan swirl in the oak table. 

He remained silent, but after a few seconds, I felt a gentle pressure on my arm. I gasped and my head shot up, only to have his face be inches from mine. "Listen to me, Daniel." He ordered, his eyes burning with a sort of intensity I had never seen as I looked into them. "I find you very attractive. But you need to understand, we can't be a thing." He spilled out, his tone urgent. 

"But-" 

"No, listen to me. You and I...we can't do this. I'm old enough to be your father. I'm probably going to end up marrying your mom, because I'm lonely, even though I'm not attracted to her. And you are going to go to college, probably somewhere in a big city where you can find plenty of boys who will want to get with you and are actually around your age. Do you understand?" He asked, finishing his grand plan. 

Tears pricked at my eyes, and I pulled away from his touch. "I can't accept that." I sobbed out, leaning back in my chair. 

"You have to, Dan." He almost pleaded, standing from his chair and coming around to my side of the table. "We aren't practical." After he said that, he started toward the front hall, and I realized he was trying to leave just like that. 

I stood up with so much force, my chair toppled back onto the floor behind me. I ran after him, catching him just as he was opening the door to walk out. With a surprising burst of strength, I grabbed his wrist, and dragged his body back in before slamming him against the door, effectively closing it. "Kiss me." I begged, crowding against him as he leaned against the door, frozen with shock. "You owe me at least that. Just kiss me before you go, please!" 

I didn't realize how had I was crying until I felt Phil bring his hand up to wipe away the tears falling onto my cheeks. "It's okay, Love." He whispered to me, then leaned down, cupped my face in his hands, and met my lips softly with his. 

I quickly got into the kiss, leaning forward against his chest and desperately clutching at the lapels of his jacket. I moved my mouth against his, letting him take control of the kiss and savoring the warmth of his mouth on mine. After a few more seconds, he pulled away, and I let out a whimper. "I need to go now, Darling." He murmured, kissing the top of my head before pulling away completely. 

"You can't go." I whined.

"Goodbye, Dan." He said softly, then pulled away from me and pried my hands gently from his jacket. 

"No, no, no!" I cried as he pushed me back in order to get out of the door. My brain scrambled for what I could say to make him stay with me. "Don't go, Daddy." I whimpered, and sure enough, he stopped mid-step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SUCH A TEASE


	11. September 28, 1976 (2)

"What did you just call me?" He asked, his body still rigid.

"Daddy." I repeated, meeker and more afraid.

"Call me that again." He requested, turning back around to face me and closing the door.

"Okay, Daddy." I complied.

"You don't know what you're getting into, Daniel." He stated, closing his eyes as I closed the space between us.

"I think I do." I argued, looking up at him with wide, innocent eyes.

"Have you ever even had sex with a man before?" He sighed, reaching down to grab my hips. My eyes went wide at his question, and he let out another sigh. "That's what I thought."

"I've been saving myself for you!" I mewled in protest, wrapping my arms around his neck. Now it was his turn to have his eyes go wide.

"You're telling me you've never had sex with...anyone before?" He questioned. I shook my head and my cheeks heated up. "Have you ever even touched yourself sexually?" He asked.

I looked down but shook my head again. "I'm completely yours." I answered, still looking at the floor. "I've known that I wanted to be yours since I was twelve."

"Jesus, Dan." He said, shaking his head. "You've seriously denied yourself all of that pleasure because you wanted me to be your first?"

"No." I replied, then looked back up into his face. "I wanted you to be my only."

"God, Daniel. For someone who hasn't done this before, you sure know how to get a man going. These aren't helping either though." He commented, snapping the waistband of my shorts against my hips, then dragged my body forward to press flush against his. He leaned back in and kissed me, this time letting his tongue trail out and trace along my bottom lip. "We shouldn't be doing this." He whispered against my lips.

"And who's going to stop us? You?" I whispered back, placing a kiss against his cheek to drive my point home.

He groaned, then grabbed the underside of my bare thighs in his large hands. "Jump." He ordered. I did as he said and jumped up, wrapping my legs around his waist as he flipped us over and pushed me up against the door. He let out a growl, then forced his lips onto my neck roughly, biting and sucking in a way that made me squirm.

I gasped and let one of my hands find a way to his scalp to grab a fistful of hair. He let out a carnal snarl at that, and actually bit down on my neck, making the area throb painfully. He didn't break the skin, but I knew the spot would be a dark red and purple for days, letting the world know that I was his only. "Daddy." I whimpered, tugging more harshly on his hair. "Daddy, please fuck me." I begged.

He stopped attacking my neck, then brought his lips up to mine and kisses me with an almost bruising force. "You really want this, Babydoll?" He questioned quietly, pulling back from me to look me in the eyes.

"Please." I whined, my voice cracking in desperation.

"God, you're so needy." He chuckled, then moved back from the wall so I could stand again. "Show me to your room, Princess."

I took his hand and took him up to my room, a rather plain room with white walls, white sheets, and white furniture. As soon as he caught sight of the bed, he was pushing me down onto it, then stripped off his jacket and shirt while I laid on the sheets and admired him. "Do you have your camera up here?" He questioned, cracking his knuckles in a way that was almost intimidating.

"Yes, Daddy." I answered, sitting up slightly and leaning back on my elbows.

"Well, you get your camera ready, and I'm going to go see if your mother has any vaseline."

"Why do we need-"

"You'll find out later, Darling." He winked, then made his way out of the door.

I scrambled for the camera, picking it up from my vanity and bringing it back to the bed. I checked quickly to see if it had film, then placed it beside me as I laid down, ready to go. I could hear the thumps of Phil's feet hitting the stairs as he ran up them, and when he flung open the bedroom door, I could feel my breath catching in my throat. He had this look of pure lust in his eyes, and it burned into me as I laid there, paralyzed under his gaze. He was breathing heavily, and he approached the bed before slamming the container of vaseline on my bedside table. "I'm so ready, Daddy." I whispered, looking up at him from the bed.

He grunted in response, then pulled off his shirt exposing his not quite toned stomach. His shoulders were so broad and the black curly hair on his chest made me let a little whimper past my lips. "I've been waiting for this for weeks." He stated, then climbed down onto the bed on top of me, knees on either side of my thighs. His face was directly above mine, and I could feel his breath coming out in pants. "Fuck, you're so pretty." He muttered, then leaned down and pressed closed-mouth kisses to my neck. 

"Oh!" I whimpered, reaching up to grab at his shoulders as his warm lips pecked my sensitive spots.

"Princess, let's get you out of those pretty little shorts, hmm?" Phil hummed, letting one hand travel down my side until his fingers were caressing the soft skin of my hip under the waistband of my shorts. 

"Yeah..." I agreed, letting go of his shoulders and grabbing at the bottoms of my shorts before tugging them down. I kicked them off, sending them flying off of the bed, then looked back up at Phil. I could almost see what he wanted in his eyes, so without being told, I also pulled off my shirt, which Phil took from my hands and dropped off the side of the bed. 

He picked up the camera from the sheets beside us, then leaned back down to ask, "Can I take some pictures of you, Love?" 

"Who's going to see them, Daddy?" I questioned, running a finger up his arm.

"Just me, Princess. All for me." 

"Go ahead, Daddy." I replied.

He got off of the bed, then held the camera up to his eye. "Can you pose for me?" He asked, his voice husky. I laid back, eyes closed and body positioned just like the pin-up girls from the 50s. Phil seemed to like that, a low appreciative noise coming from his throat. He took the picture, then took the developing film and set it on the table beside the vaseline. He took four more pictures, all with me in different poses. Then, he set down the camera beside the two still developing pictures, then carefully tucked the others into his pant's pocket and pulled off his own trousers and underwear, leaving him stark naked. 

I looked him up and down, admiring the contrast between our bodies. He was so mature, all sharp angles with big hands and the "v" that all the boys talked about wanting in the locker room. I, on the other hand, was soft. I was curves and soft skin, all with a slightly pudgy tummy and round bottom. He looked absolutely delicious. 

He crawled back onto the bed, grabbing the vaseline, and opening the lid. "What are you going to do with that?" I asked, due to my lack of experience in everything sexual. 

"This just helps make everything...slicker." He decided, nodding his head in approval of his word choice. 

"Slicker?" I questioned, looking up at him with wide eyes. 

"Yeah. It's like spit but better." He explained, dipping his hand into the container and pulling out a little bit before spreading it over his cock.

"What are we going to do with it?" I asked, licking my lips as he began to slowly fist his hard cock.

"Why tell you when I can show you?" He replied, taking his clean hand and pushing me to lay down. 

I let my head hit the pillow, and he leaned over me, ducking down to attach his mouth to mine. I moaned into the kiss, his tongue invading my mouth and his teeth roughly scraping my lips. I loved it, my hips bucking up on their own accord as I gasped and whined into his mouth. Phil let go of himself, then held my down by my hips, leaving me a whimpering, pathetic mess. My hair was disheveled from the pillow, my lips were bright red from the kissing, and bright red hickeys littered my neck.

"Stay still, Baby." He ordered, releasing one hand from my hip only to move it to my shoulder. Then with barely any pressure, he thrust his hips down and lightly brushed against my red, leaking cock. I let out a moan, reaching one hand up to grab his hair as he repeated his earlier actions. 

"Daddy!" I cried, fighting the grip he had on my hips, trying to buck up. 

He ground against me, the slickness of his dick on mine sending shots of pleasure up my spine. "Um, fuck..." He muttered, chest heaving as he did it again. 

I was also breathing heavily, every touch making my sensitive dick leak more. I was full on pulling on Phil's hair now, trying to do something to counteract the new, intense pleasure coursing through me. My tongue was lolling out of my mouth as he gave another powerful thrust. I was embarrassingly close, and we had only started a few minutes ago. "Daddy, close!" I gasped out, my other hand balling up the sheets into my fist. My knuckles were white with how much pressure I gripping onto things, and I could feel myself starting to seize up. 

"Come for me. Come for Daddy." Phil commanded, grinding down on me. Hard. 

I came with a shout, my release splattering my stomach. The aftershocks wracked my body for almost a full minute, giving Phil time to jerk himself off to the sight of my spent form before I came back to myself. Phil came quieter, the only noise leaving his lips was a soft grunt as he came into his fist and over my stomach. 

"Fuck." I remarked, panting and looking to Phil as he came down from his high. His eyes were wide, and he looked almost disturbed. "Phil?" I asked, concerned. "What's wrong?"

"I've made such a huge mistake." He whispered, eyes watering.

"What do mean?" I questioned, my voice wavering. 

"I need to leave." I muttered, wiping his hands on my sheets before standing up and frantically looking for his clothes. He pulled on his underwear and pants, then located his shirt. 

"Where are you going?" I said, voice now breaking.

"I'm sorry." He replied, pulling his shirt over his head and rushing from my room, not even looking back. 

I jumped up from the bed, not even caring about the state I was in. I ran to catch him as he fled down the stairs to the door. He was reaching for the handle on the front door when I began crying, wrapping my arms around myself as I stood naked on the steps. "I trusted you!" I screamed down to him. "I loved you!"

He didn't say a word. He only opened the door and left, slamming it closed. I let myself drop down onto a step, arms still securely wrapped around my body. I felt used. He took pictures of me, he used me, then he left me all alone after my first sexual experience. God, I felt dirty. It was like cockroaches were crawling over my body as I sat there.

How had I fallen for someone so awful? I was still crying, the tears tiring me as I sobbed and hiccupped. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of something hanging on the hooks in the front hall. His jacket. He had left it in his efforts to get away from me. I stood on shaky legs, then made my way down the steps and over to where it hung in the hall. I took it off the hook, then placed it over my arm and trudged back up the stairs to my room. 

My sheets were a mess, my own nude photos were laying developed on my bedside table, and the vaseline was sitting open beside them. Wait. I counted the photos on the table, only for a fresh wave of tears to begin after I realized that two were missing. God, how could I have been so stupid? I pulled back the blankets and sheets and crawled into my bed, not caring that the room smelled like sex and the sheets were covered in my own come. I held the jacket close to me and stuck my nose into the fabric, smelling it. It matched Phil's scent perfectly. "How could I be so stupid?" I whimpered to myself, then cried myself to sleep, holding his jacket against my body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know y'all hate me at this point, but don't worry, I hate myself too.


	12. October 14, 1979

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is simply an epilogue meant to wrap this story up in the way I think best.

"Mother, I told you I can't come to the wedding. Yes, I'm sure I'm not changing my mind." 

"But darling! This is the second most important day of my life!" My mother whined. 

"And this is one of the most important days of my life." I argued back, finishing up the final touches on my sign. It read "Gay is Good" in bold black letters. 

"Honey, I would hardly consider your trip to see lawyers in Washington the most important day of your life." She sighed. 

I only chuckled in my head. I had lied, telling her that I was on a school trip to Washington D.C. to see how official lawyers worked in the capital. I obviously wasn't going to tell her I was ditching her wedding to Aw-Phil, as I liked to call him, so I could participate in a rally. 

"Mom. I'm staying here." I said, not relenting. 

"That's not good enough. You need to come home. Whatever lawyer things you're doing aren't more important than my wedding!" She fumed, obviously in the throws of a tantrum. 

"Well, to me it is." I replied, then hung the hotel phone back on its hook, unwilling to listen to her shrill voice any longer.

I sighed, but grabbed Aw-Phil's jacket and tugged it on...it still smelled like his cologne, even after all these years. I was ashamed that I still wore it and held it while I slept. It was my safety blanket and I hated that I loved it.

With one last look around my hotel room, I grabbed my keys and the sign, then walked out of the door, prepared for a long, hot day. 

\- - -

I held up my sign higher and continued to march, one foot in front of the other as I followed the crowd of thousands. A chant began circulating through the mass, the words soon being screamed from all around me. "Gay is Good!" I repeated, following the example of others. "Gay is Good!" We chanted, tears running down our faces and a cause clearly displayed in our eyes. 

The march lasted for hours. We marched from the National Monument all the way to the capitol building, never stopping, only walking forward.

It was exhilarating. It was comforting. I was in crowd of people who thought the way I thought, felt the way I felt, and loved the way I loved. But it was also exhausting. 

People began pulling away from the crowd, retreating in the directions of their various homes or hotel rooms. I was about to head out as well, noticing the crowd of people disbanding. Then, I caught a glimpse of a familiar face. 

"John Pepperknick...funny meeting you here." I remarked, walking up to the much taller, if that was even possible, man. 

"Daniel Howell. My God." He exclaimed, his eyes going wide. "The last time I saw you, I was what? 18?" 

"It's been a while." I laughed, resting my sign on my shoulder. 

I took notice of his appearance, his blonde hair shaggy and not at all trimmed and proper like it used to be. His white t-shirt read "Proud Gay Veteran!" in bright red. I liked it.

"Uhm..I like your shirt." I said quietly, pointing to his midsection. 

"Thanks. I like your sign." He replied with a laugh, tucking his hands into his pockets. 

"So what have you been up to these past few years?" I asked softly, not sure how to proceed with the conversation. 

"Oh, well I got drafted right after I graduated, and when I got back to the states I started up a band." He answered, his eyes flashing with an obvious pain at the word 'drafted'. I had too many friends at college who's eyes looked the same way. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. But your band sounds pretty rad!" I replied, trying to sound bubbly but obviously failing when he let out a chuckle. 

"You don't have to apologize, Daniel. But yeah, my band is pretty rad." He laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"I go by Dan now, actually." I corrected, meeting his eyes and smiling. 

"Okay, Dan. You should call me Johnny, then." He stated, a grin spreading across his face. 

"Alright, Johnny." I giggled, letting my own soft smile form into a grin to match his. 

"It's funny, I didn't think I'd see anyone I knew. Especially not you..." He trailed off. 

"Well, I think you left town before I became very obviously gay. I mean, I was on the cheerleading team for Pete's sake! I even wore the girl uniform." I told him, watching his eyes grow. 

"Well, that would certainly be a sight to see! I mean, not that I'm trying to say I'd like to see you in a cheerleading uniform, because I wouldn't mind that, but..." He babbled, nervousness peaking through even though there was no reason for it. 

"Johnny, it's fine!" I snorted, cutting him off and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Really," I said, looking into his eyes and squeezing his shoulder, "it's fine."

"Oh good, cause I didn't want you to think-" 

"Johnny. Please don't do it again." I said seriously, a small smile tugging at my lips. 

"Sorry." He chuckled breathlessly, running his hand through his hair and tilting his head in a way that showed his sharp jawline. 

"You're fine." I assured him, removing my hand from his shoulder. "Truly, you're fine."

"Here, let me make it up to you. Let's go get something to eat! My treat!" He offered.

"Where would we even go?" I asked, an amused smirk finding its way onto my face. 

"I know a nice sushi place a few streets over."

"Sushi?" I questioned. "What the hell is that?"

"You've never heard of sushi?" He asked in disbelief. "It's fish in seaweed but it tastes really good."

"Eww! Seaweed?" I grimaced. 

"It isn't bad! It's really good, actually. Just come with me. You can try some of mine, and if you don't like it, you can just get noodles or something." He promised. 

"Alright." I agreed. "But I don't know how to use those chopstick things, so you'll have to show me."

"My, my Dan! It's like you've never been to the city!" He chuckled, grabbing my hand forwardly and pulling me with him as he began to walk.

"I really haven't!" I defended myself, trailing after him and not minding the pressure on my hand in the least. As we bustled down a crowded sidewalk, my eyes caught the sight of a body slumped against the wall of building next to the sidewalk. "Is he okay?" I questioned Johnny, concerned for the poor man. He was dirty, wearing clothes with holes everywhere and obviously shivering in the slight autumn chill. My heart hurt seeing him like that. 

"He'll be fine. It's unfortunate, but that's a pretty common sight around here. Business people loose their money and end up homeless in the city. It's just a sad reality, really." Johnny explained, showing little concern for the man. 

"He's really cold." I noted, my voice quiet. 

"Dan, stop worrying. He's going to be fine, I promise."

"I think I'm going to give him my jacket." 

"Wait, what?" 

And before Johnny could grab my hand tighter, I was pulling from his grip and approaching the shivering man. "Hello, sir." I greeted him, pressing myself against the wall so the crowd wouldn't plow me down. 

"Got any change?" He asked pitifully, rubbing his hands together in an attempt to stay warm. 

"No, but I'd like to give you my jacket." I replied, already shrugging off the leather jacket with the warm inner fleece. It kept me warm through many days and nights, but it was time to let it go. 

"Oh, I can't take that!" He responded, eyes going wide.

"Sure you can!" I said back, handing him the jacket and taking a step away. "It belonged to someone who I loved, but that person didn't love me back. I figure it's time to move on." 

"Dan, what are you doing?" Johnny yelled, approaching me and the man. "You scared me, you ran off and I didn't know where you went!" He scolded playfully, almost like he was talking to a child.

"Yeah, yeah." I rolled my eyes back at him, causing him to giggle. I then turned my attention back to the other man. "I really hope that will keep you warm." 

"Are you sure I can keep this?" The man on the ground asked, gingerly holding out the coat like he was afraid to touch it. 

"I'm positive. I'll just steal his jacket later." I said, pointing to Johnny which made him stick out his tongue at me. 

"Thank you, sir." He murmured sincerely, almost reverently, then put the jack on. It fit him nicely. 

"Take care of yourself." I told the man in parting, touching his shoulder gently before I was taking Johnny's hand again and walking off. Letting go of that jacket made me feel like an old part of me had died. But it also felt like something inside of me was blooming.

As we walked away, I looked up at Johnny. “So, how was that period sex with Lilly when she was like 15?”

“She told you about that?” He gasped, then let out a groan.

I laughed at him, and he began laughing too, even though a red flush covered his face. 

And I realized, living was easy with my eyes closed because I was blind to everything, but with my eyes open, life was finally fulfilling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...it’s over. 
> 
> This was the first chaptered fanfic I ever finished, and it’s been an amazing journey. Thank you guys for supporting me, for reading this fic, and for commenting and leaving kudos. I love you all so much, and I hope to see your user names again, perhaps in my next chaptered fic’s comment section. 
> 
> This has been the time of my life. Thank you.


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